My step kids prefer staying at our home, and my 15 year old step son told his mum that he wants to live at our home. It is HELL. Our children are given one more difficult situation to navigate. From my perspective, step-parenting is a much harder job. No you wouldn’t Because their not yours and if you get down to it neither are your husbands children . And as biological moms, we should remember that our children are the ones who suffer if we make it hard for our children’s stepmom to have an appropriate, respectful relationship with our children. What we want is a household where respect is mutual and boundaries adhered to. It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be our house with the person who used to be our husband and having a very big influence on our children! It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position. This particular boundary depends on the age of the children involved. You can get started today with the free Crash Course. A step-mother may have the best intentions, but she may be dealing with his children who don’t accept her, and her own children who don’t want to share her. You can always discuss with the school that you and the father are to receive grade reports, school work and such, but that the stepmom does not have permission. It’s hurtful to the children, but it’s common. He works full time and I’m a full time student and mother to two toddlers. To this day, my child thinks of them as his real family, and of course calls her Mom. More often than not, her intentions are pure. Because dad doesn’t do these things with his daughter. Let them know you are all in this together and you will get through this. My ex has never introduced us, I’m guessing because they were cheating during our marriage. All parents, biological and step-parents, have to respect each other and be patient with the situation, and above all, do what is ultimately best for the children. You didn’t build your kids in a lab. Best of luck and remember keep your head high and know that this will (hopefully) pass! You can get started today with the free Crash Course. God was and is the only one that could ever change that. I would hope that if anything ever happened between me and my husband and a step mother were involved that she would be as nice as this lady sounds. Neither of these techniques is better than the other; there is no right and wrong way of going about this. as women. It is just wrong. In my case, Biomom has a history of bad decision-making, but her teenage kids only know the nice side of her (of course). Stepmoms should let the dad of the children take the lead, and she should be there to support him and the children as is appropriate. I had to settle down and accept that it was what it was, and Mom is a label and I had to just be the good mother I know that I am. Seems to me that from your side, we’re doomed no matter what we do. They are simply to keep everyone involved happy, respectful, and involved. Don’t get enraged or sad when your children talk about things that happened at their dad’s house with the stepmom. I do more than "pretend that I'm the mother of my children"...I truly believe that I am. She won’t do these things, she doesn’t have time( I make time) Unless you ARE a stepparent you do not have a blooming clue what actually goes on, I’m not saying all stepparents are great, I’m not saying all stepparents are terrible, I’m saying give us a break. Keep in mind, though, that we also need to be flexible. More spoiled! She shared with me a while back she thought he considered me younger and more fun. I can only pray that the day my ex husband finds a woman to share his life with, that she be as loving and kind to my daughter, and as involved as her dad SHOULD be but isn't. She actually may be trying to do the best she can in spite of all of that. Once you’ve have someone else’s kids in your home at least 1/2 the time, you may reconsider your opinion. I wish some stepmoms would consider how they would feel (honestly) if things were turned around on them. I assured her anything I can do, mom can do better Once I was doing yoga and he said “oh my mom can do that pose with her hands totally flat!” I was pretty proud of how deep I’d gotten in the stretch but he let me know she could do it better! I am very tidy and clean, so if their space is messy, – it won’t affect me too much! Its been hell. So the fact that this article paints stepmoms to be the new young hot trophy for the husband is a Hollywood stereotype that is not fairly representative of reality. Their dad is strict on enforcing healthy boundaries to help them grow, be challenged and try new experiences, but the kids are very afraid to try anything new and different. © 2020 Cyberparent.com All Rights Reserved. I’m a stepmom with no children of my own. It's great that she cares for your child, but in my experience, the stepmonster I am referring to did everything in her power to TAKE OVER my job and make HER "family" with my ex - the child's new and ONLY family - the REAL family. It is a team effort with the goal of providing the most secure, stable, functional environment for your children possible. You are legally entitled to know about doctor appointments. I have joint custody, the children live with me, but my ex doesnt deal with the children he lets his new wife do it. Updated on August 24, 2016 J.R. asks from Salt Lake City, UT on July 13, 2010 ... and his new wife for 14 years! I really appreciated your post. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 6 years now and have joint shared custody of our 12 yr old twins. She rescues them and shields them from hardwork. It would be different if she had come to you and said "Hey, I really care about the kids. I took no offense. Updated on August 02, 2012 C.E. This really hurts my heart, but as a stepmother, I can’t do anything about it. Step parenting combines all of the traditional troubles that other parents face with the added stress of a whole new set of potential obstacles. She even made sure she was included in our ( my ex and I’s) custody agreement, just so that she would have some control over the situation. . She may have children of her own, and she may be doing the best she can in a very complicated situation, just like you are. In this case, they may lay down some rules so everyone is on the same page, are almost always able to come to agreements, and have no problems compromising when necessary. What do you think of that? It is in these situations where boundaries are a firm necessity for the sake of everyone’s sanity and the child’s happiness and wellbeing. If you think you are a saving grace to your husband and step children, you are mistaken. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents. Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. So even though I’d rather not, I still have to do stuff for them, stay with them when he’s on business trips, cook for them. If she shows up, tell the teacher that you have no intention of violating your childrens' privacy by discussing them around someone that isn't their parent. Which I think is beautiful. As if I am preventing their mom from lifting her ass off the couch and going for a jog/buying nicer clothes/looking after herself. I know it is hard...but it really is in the best interest for the kids involved. You could have someone who could care less (which my 2 kids have) and not even bother with them...or worse, actually be mean to them and treat them very, very badly. haircuts ,doctors, school stuff .my ex and her try to keep me as an outsider . Im sorry but I completely disagree . I know she’s the step mom and will talk with his dad about choices but at the end of the day she shouldn’t dictate what happens with our son. badmouth us, it feels traitorous not to stand up and say something in our defense. And, I get it’s hard to . Not, right there role. Doesn’t mean I am taking the place of mom . The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. I have almost the exact same situation. She is controlling and does not allow their dad to help with their education and gets mad when he tries do get them to do more difficult things. Ask the teacher to ask her to leave. he is afraid to say anything because she is a control freak and he won't stand up to her." Suzy developed Midlife Divorce Recovery as a safe refuge for people healing and surviving the overwhelm of divorce. I don’t understand why her mother would want to raise a kid that way. There should be serious conversations about “house” rules that are applied equally to all children in the blended family. By marriage, she is their stepmom. A stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not. Step mums should be more open and have a helping hand. Maintain your own boundaries and rules when the children are at your house. Again when we sit down and talk about plans and outlooks we all agree, but then she doesn’t do the parenting to get the results. Some I would do no matter what...anything with the school, for example. Stepmother Is Overstepping Her Boundaries, 10 Ways To Celebrate Thanksgiving Especially During Divorce.